Saturday, October 6, 2018

One Small Step

It's been around three and a half years since I gave birth to the most beautiful little girl who is the sassiest and girlier version of myself, so far. That means it's be close to four years that I have battled anxiety and depression.

Four years. Four years of not being 100% myself. Four years of not having things "together" in life like I did before. Four years of fighting the urges to hide from everyone because it's all too much. Four years of wondering when if it will ever be like it was before.

I've done therapy and I did the medicine thing. It's what I had to do to come up for air from the dark and drowning depths of depression trying to pull me eternally under. I did what I had to. I've fought hard over the past few years.

And yet, things aren't the same. It's still a battle. Some days are worse than others. And some days are just a small step. And that is okay. Any small step of progress is a step in the right direction.

Last weekend, the kids and I decorated for Halloween. Little #1 kept saying, "this is going to be so creepy!" He was overjoyed with his favorite holiday. Little #2 was just as excited, but in a different way. She kept saying, "this is the best Halloween ever, ever, ever!" And to her, it was. She had not experienced the momma who went all out for holidays and did everything over the top. This was all new for her and she was thrilled. The porch and yard are now fully ready for Halloween.

One small step.

While under the depths, I ceased to live a normal life. I stopped taking care of responsibilities. I fed and changed the kids, the end.

And my house took a beating. My husband tried to keep up, but theres only so much a man working 45+ hours a week and coming home to a wife who had all but checked out can do.

It's been a work in progress. I have a busy and filling schedule now. My dark days are fewer. But my house has still not come back to its normal self. Top that off with living in the country and my least favorite little critter entering our home, the field mouse.

I cleaned for hours this morning. I saw him and he ran. I screeched, took a breath, and moved on. Saw him again later. Almost like he was taunting me, but I kept on. Until he almost ran across my hand.  I was done. I texted my husband on the verge of tears. I tried so hard. I accomplished some. Not what I wanted, but nevertheless I did some.

One small step.

I'm not sure the point of writing this, other than to say don't be so quick to judge when you walk into people's houses or see them barely keeping it together. Offer them a hand or some encouragement. You never know what they're going through or how far they've come.

It could be their one small step.

Sunday, September 9, 2018

Girl, Go Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis

If I were to highlight every part that called me out and slapped me in the face, this entire book would be highlighted!

I know, I know. I'm late on this Girl, Go Wash Your Face bandwagon, but better late than never. And sometimes things come to us exactly when we need them. This week is exactly when I needed this book.

Rachel Hollis takes the things she's went through in life that tore her down and that she worked through and shares them with the world to reaffirm for the rest of is that we are not alone. There's so many things in life that bring us down. Things that we've told ourselves, that we've let the world tell us, and we've adapted ourselves into a different person because of it. We stop looking at the big picture or the potential that we have and start second guessing everything that we once knew about ourselves. Hollis takes those things, owns them, and then shows them who she really is and why all of those things were just lies bringing her down.

I cannot recommend this book enough to anyone who thinks they are alone in their struggles, anyone who is looking for a refresher in life, or simply for a boost. This is a fantastic read.

It's time to take your life back and Hollis shares all about how she did just that and more!

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

TS901: Dominion : Command Control (TS901 Chronicles Book 2) Stacey Rourke & Tish Thawer

Gah!! I love this series! I wish it could be written faster and I could devour all of the words. It reminds me of some other series that took the world by storm and I didn't read until they were becoming movies. I almost wish I didn't know about this series until it was that big because I want all the books now!

The story bounces back and forth to view different characters POV and things going on. While normally I want this to be clearly pointed out and the name of the character listed, but it never bothered me here. It flowed so smoothly and I never had to guess who I was reading.

I also devoured this book in a day and I haven't done that to many books since earlier in the year!

I can't wait ti see more of this series and what Rourke and Thawer have coming for us!

Sinister Silhouette by Alex Grayson

I love angst. Get me a book filled with angst and a good plot and you will probably have a reader for life from me. That's how much I love it. The not knowing-on the edge of your seat-wondering how in the hell a story can play out when you want multiple things to happen-begging for relief type of angst is totally my favorite genre.

That's how I felt about Sinister Silhouette by Alex Grayson. She killed this book. I totally did not see the ending or twists coming. It took almost everything I had not to flip to the back and see what was going to happen. I was basically hooked on this book and dying for answers.

There were a few parts that I wish had a little more depth to them, but overall this was a great read.

One True Love by Linda Kage

I absolutely adore Linda Kage's writing! I've followed her since her Forbidden Men Series, so of course I had to give her fantasy a shot. And I am so glad I did!

I loved this story hard! I'm usually not really big into fantasy, but Kage made this fantasy/more ancient times story not feel so medieval-ish. It had a more relatable feel that made it so easy to connect to and easier to get immersed into the world.

I devoured this story. I was mad, shocked, happy, and a few other things while reading. Some parts threw me for a loop while others I was beyond grateful for because some characters I hated! Haha.

If you're looking for a fantasy that will set your kindle on fire, this is a perfect fit!

Sunday, June 17, 2018

Erase the Stigma

Ya'll, I need to be super real with you and for an important reason. Mental health. We see things randomly about it. It flies up in the news when someone who "has it all" takes their own life. But other than that, we really don't think about it, but we should.

Definition of Anxiety: a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.

For as long as I can remember, I've had these out of body experiences that zap me of energy and leave me off balance. The most vivid one from my past I can remember was actually when I was 18, still in high school and visiting my mother. Ryan had called to ask me out, but that is an entirely different story! haha.

Anyways, fast forward to 2015 and very pregnant with Little #2. I was in class. It was the worse feeling of my life. I ended up in the ER because the attack made me not be able to feel this super active boxer inside of me. I thank Jesus that she was fine and they were able to figure out what I never knew, anxiety driven panic attacks.

Then I ended up with postpartum. It gripped me tightly. It was scary. For me, for my husband, for my babies, and for my friends who watched me sink and could do nothing.

FINALLY, I sought treatment. It wasn't easy. It wasn't an instant fix. It was many doctors appointments, decisions on if medication was a path I needed and if so, what kind and how much? It was finally giving in and seeing a therapist (who I still see 3 years later). It was acknowledging that as much as I forced myself out and doing things and as much as I prayed for Jesus to give my old self back, I was ignoring the help in front of my face.

Flood. Man on the roof of his house
Kind of like this story. The man tells the boat he asked Jesus to safe him and he has faith, so when he gets to Heaven and asks Jesus, "I had faith, why didn't you save me?" Jesus tells him he sent it in multiple forms and it was ignored.

Credit: https://truthbook.com/stories/funny-god/the-drowning-man

Sometimes life is tough. Okay, it's always tough, but we deal with what we're dealt. And metal illness is not something to be ashamed over. Seeking treatment should not be embarrassing. Seeking out a friend or someone with experience in the area to just vent is 100% okay.

Unfortunately. I have had those thoughts about not being in this world. I've had those thoughts of being gone and things would be easier. But thankfully, I have a support system. I have come to learn when things get too dark and seek immediate help. I know that that's not fair to my friends, my loved ones, my husband, my kids, and it's not fair to me. I will live my best life. I will overcome.

This week has been hard, but it won't get me down. It won't be easy. It won't be pretty. It won't be pain free, but I will overcome the nasty effects that anxiety plagues upon my life.

I really have no idea what the point of this post is, other than maybe my own little form of therapy. Sometimes I just let my fingers fly and end up with something. I hardly ever read them over because that takes away from how it helps me. Honestly, I have like 2 author friends that I share things with and usually no one else sees the words. So, there's probably lots of error in this message, but that grammatical error is not something I'm worried about for a little blog post.

But it's time to erase this stigma for mental health awareness. It's time for people to be able to seek out help with out shame. It's time for people to stop saying, "get some fresh air" or "You have prayed to God hard enough or trusted him enough." It's time for it to end.

My Jesus tells me he loves me no matter what and He has sent me to this world to share that love without judgement. If you're struggling with any form of mental illness, please please please do what's best for you and seek help. If you need someone to talk to, find someone you trust. If you have no one come talk to me. I'm a fantastic listener and sometimes that's just what we need. Don't suffer alone. You have a support team behind you, even when the days feel long and never ending.

You've got this. You can and will win. Erase The Stigma. Live your best life.

Here's some helpful contacts for anyone who needs help!

Emergency Medical Services—911

If the situation is potentially life-threatening, get immediate emergency assistance by calling 911, available 24 hours a day.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1‑800‑273‑TALK (8255) or Live Online Chat exit disclaimer icon

If you or someone you know is suicidal or in emotional distress, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline exit disclaimer icon. Trained crisis workers are available to talk 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Your confidential and toll-free call goes to the nearest crisis center in the Lifeline national network. These centers provide crisis counseling and mental health referrals.

SAMHSA Treatment Referral Helpline, 1‑877‑SAMHSA7 (1‑877‑726‑4727)

Get general information on mental health and locate treatment services in your area. Speak to a live person, Monday through Friday from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. EST.

Whatever you're going through, we're here.

Get free help now: Text CONNECT to 741741 in the United States.

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Rumor Has It (Real Love #4) by Jessica Lemmon

Rumor Has It by Jessica Lemmon is a part of her Real Love series. This is the first book of the series I have read and I've been seriously missing out if the rest are this good.

This book goes into the things that we see in real relationships. The fears we get about ourselves and what the other person could think. It takes a look into the characters and no matter how successful they may become they still have the feelings of inadequacy and are afraid it will ruin them for the other person.

That's life and that fact that Lemmon could bring it to us in such a quirky, steamy, and laughable story if the best kind of story!

When you mix an ex-football star/bad boy with a workaholic journalist you can have quite a newsworthy story. ;)